Sunday, August 23, 2009

Our Baby Stuff

There's been a lot of stress, worry and pain for us in the past few months. Even though the end result wasn't what we always thought it would be, it doesn't change the fact that we spent the last nine months loving Charlie. I didn't keep a very good journal through this all and there are a few moments I want to remember.

Right after we found out we were going to be parents I went shopping and bought my mom her first Grandma item. She was so excited. She kept it by the computer for a long time and every time we visited I was reminded how excited she was for this little boy. She's going to be such a great grandma one day.

Jack and I were SO excited to find out the gender of the baby. We were both sure it was a boy. It always felt like a boy. We were able to be there for the first ultra sound. Afterwards we went straight to Burlington Coat Factory (my favorite baby section out of any store) and looked at all their adorable boy stuff. We were so excited to dress him in little suits. Those were always our favorite.

The first week of July I finally convinced Jack to help me set up the nursery. I had labored many hours planning, sewing, painting and getting everything ready. The room turned out amazing. I was so happy with the end result. As soon as everything was set up it started smelling like baby. To this day I still keep the door shut so the smell stays the same.

It was important to me that we bring our baby home in a blanket that we picked out together and that I sewed. I wanted the first memories we had of him to be surrounded by items directly from us. Sometimes I would go into his room and hold his blankets like little babies and imagine what he would look like and smell like.

All the Aunts on my mom's side of the family got together and threw me a baby shower. It was amazing. I received everything one could ever need to make mommy and baby BOTH happy. Every one of them were so supportive of our situation. I appreciated everything they did so much. Thanks you guys!

Most of all I want to remember how happy we were. Everything about becoming parents was exciting to us. Seeing a baby at church or in the mall would make us both giddy with anticipation. We had so much fun picking out names, decorating, getting ready and planning our forever family. I don't ever want to forget the little boy who holds our hearts forever.

Charlie Stuff

Today we should have brought our baby home. We should be exhausted. We should be covered in spit up. We should have changed a record breaking amount of diapers. I should have worried that I wasn't being a good enough mom.

Instead we stayed in bed as long as we could. I wore my pajamas all day and didn't put on any makeup. I sat on the couch and watched TV while Jack played video games. Jack and I sat on our bed and talked and laughed until I remembered I shouldn't be happy and broke down in sobs. Today I wondered if I would ever be a mom.

Last Tuesday we got a call. We were supposed to meet our birthmom and her counselor in American Fork. It was August 18th. The due date of our baby. I figured they wanted to meet to go over any last minute questions and make sure we were all on the same page. Jack and I sat in a room with our birthmom and her mom. We sat 1 foot away from her as she told us she changed her mind, she was keeping our baby.

Our baby had a name. Our baby had a nursery. He had a closet full of clothes/toys/diapers/etc. He had extended family who were all SO excited to meet him. He had a future. A future we had spent the last nine months planning. He was going to be happy. We were all going to be happy.

The counselor asked Jack and I if we had anything we wanted to say or talk about. We didn't say much, and the counselor tried to fill in the silence by offering us a sales pitch for her adoption agency service. Jack told her it was too soon, and that we didn't want another baby; we had one with a name, a room and loving parents, and another one wouldn't have been ours.

We left the room after that and broke down. We left one of our cars in American Fork and drove together. We drove to a park we had never been to in Orem and sobbed under a street lamp. We stayed there for hours, talking about how we felt and crying. Our insides ached and they still do.

We've talked a lot since, but the ache seems to linger. It's not something that most people can understand or explain-- to be on the precipice of escaping infertility's clutches, only to be sucked back to the very bottom based on decisions that were never in your control.

Jack and I have learned that things don't always happen for a reason. A lot of people believe that: we don't. Sometimes things happen not because it's God's plan, but because God's plan allows people to make choices for themselves. Choices that have a lasting effect and can ruin people's lives.

We don't know the long lasting effects of this experience. We don't know if we'll be wiser, bitter, shut off or more open, but the pain and suffering are very real and we can't imagine it ever being gone.

We feel like our baby has died. The child in our hearts no longer exists. We are in mourning. We have constant reminders all over our house of a life that was denied us. We cry over memories that don't exist because we never had the chance to make them. But they are real. Our baby was real. Our pain is real.

Despite this pain we're experiencing we feel so very blessed to have such loving friends and family. We've received emails, facebook comments, phone calls and gifts from people who love us. It means more than we can say to know that we are loved and cared for and this is not a burden we have to carry ourselves. Thank you. From the bottom of our hearts.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Pizzario Stuff

I'm LOVING the retired life. Some days I wonder how I ever managed to cook and clean and work a full time job. That's hard stuff. I love getting everything done by the time Jack gets home so we can relax and have fun together at night. We've been using our imagination to think of fun things to do together and not break the bank.

Last week we had a "Pizzario Party" Homemade Pizza's and a game of Mario Party on the Wii. Fun!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Echo Lake Stuff

Jack and I need a vacation about once a week. I can't even tell you how many times I plan elaborate get aways in my head only to have the real world crush them to smithereens. As a result we usually get one good vacation a year. (we totally deserve more) This year we jumped on the bandwagon and headed to Echo Lake, Montana to spend the week at the Ady Grandparents cabin. Jack was more excited for this trip than he is for Christmas. He spent many a summers lazing around on this lake and enjoying family fun. It had been 8 long years since he was able to go back and he definitely thought it was time.

We started our trip off at 5pm on Tuesday. We prefer to drive all night. And drive all night we did. After a quick stop for a few Zzz's we arrived at the cabin around 6am Wednesday morning. We woke up everyone and made them welcome us. Grandma fussed over us like only a grandma can. Trying to situate us on her nice couches and covering us with blankets and pillows. I love having someone look after me. We were too excited to sleep so Jack took me on a tour of the grounds. After and early breakfast we all changed into our swimsuits and headed for the lake. This would be the ritual for the next 4 days.

We spent most of our time tubing, skiing, surfing, swimming and just leisurely riding on the boat. We had SO much fun. We got to see Jack's cousins and aunt and uncle whom we haven't seen since our wedding and catch up with them. It was nice to be on vacation surrounded by family.

Jacks way braver than me when it comes to water sports. I like to stick to what I know and only went tubing but Jack got up on the surf board and went skiing a bunch of times. Maybe next year I'll be brave.

Sam tried out the parasail that Uncle John brought. Basically you tie yourself up to the boat, the boat guns it, you run, and pray the wind catches the parachute and you end up in the air instead of face planting it in the water. I'm not sure which would be worse though. It sounded fun in theory but once we saw how high Sam got up we weren't sure we were up for that. Unfortunately the parachute ripped after Sam went so Jack and I didn't even have the opportunity to chicken out.

We spent our nights playing cards and games and just visiting with family. I rock my socks off at Rook by the way. Especially when Doug and I are on a team and Grandma sits over my shoulder and tells me what to play. Best. Rook. Player. Ever.

The week went by way too fast. Now we are back to real life and counting down the days till we can go back next year. Farewell Vacation. See you soon!