Friday, January 30, 2009

Experience Stuff

I'm not the best at keeping a journal. Luckily I'm not too shabby at blogging so I'll have some type of history for my family to see. I've been thinking a lot about an experience we had a year ago. I realized I never wrote it down and wanted some sort of documentation that I could draw upon later. I figured I might as well let you guys in on the story as well. Remember I'm all about helping other people through my own experiences?

One year ago Jack and I heard about a little girl who needed a family. Her mom had abandoned her and left her with the grandma who was struggling with her health. The baby was being raised for the most part by the mom's 16 year old sister. The grandma had expressed an interest in letting someone adopt this baby. When I heard about it I was completely convinced that I was meant to be this baby's mom. I started doing all the things they tell you not to do-looking at baby items, imagining her life with us, planning our future. I had just quit my job at Express Title so I had oodles of time on my hands to imagine such a life.

Jack, on the other hand, was harder to convince. He wasn't sure if he was emotionally ready to give up on having a biological baby. He didn't think we were financially stable eneough to pursue an adoption. And he wasn't sure what his feelings were on adoption at the time.

I remember one particular afternoon I was driving home from a job interview and I was feeling significantly low. I had been stressing so much about this baby and I had no idea what we were supposed to do. I decided to drive around for a bit and ended up at the temple. I spent the next hour sobbing and begging my Heavenly Father to tell me what to do. He knew I wanted a baby, and even more importantly I knew He wanted me to have a baby. I left the temple feeling completely drained and still as confused as ever.

I don't ever remember feeling like I got an answer to my prayer. At least in the way I expected it to come. Jack's Dad told him at one point that it wouldn't hurt to check it out. We'd never know if this was what we were supposed to do if we didn't get the facts. So that's what we decided to do.

Obviously it didn't work out- which is why we are still childless. I arranged a time to meet with the family. My Dad came with me and we talked to the grandma. She informed us that she no longer wanted to give the baby up and was no longer interested. It was one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life. I sobbed the entire way home and I felt so empty.

Looking back I can see how much we've grown from the experience. I know there was a reason that we went through what we did. I know that my Heavenly Father answers prayers and he answered my prayer that day by taking away a little girl who I had already grown to love. And I know when the time is right I'll get the baby who is meant to complete our family.


julie said...

I know that prayers are answered. Thanks again for reminding me, because sometimes its easy to over look. You are going to be an amazing mom someday. You really are!

Tammy said...

Dayna you are going to get your prayers answered. I know that you don’t know me too well, but you and your mom have given me encouragement this week to share more of my deeper thoughts. They will be coming soon on my blog, but I wanted you to know that I have wanted to come up with the words since your post about not being able to have children. I know how you feel, I too am not able to have children and two years in April (wow can’t believe it’s been that long) I had to have a hysterectomy due to some medical issues. Don’t give up, the Lord has something very special in store for you and your family. And don’t give up on Adoption it’s a great thing. I was adopted, I also had a son when I was 18 and he was adopted. The Lord knows what we need and he’ll provide a way. I know that I was meant to be with my family. I was 4 years old and would tell people that I had to “hitch” a ride to get here to my family because my mom couldn’t have me yet. Life is good and beautiful and with that we also sometimes have see some dark, sad and lonely days. I know your sun will come out soon for your need :). You’ll be an amazing mom, you had the best example!

Dana Kay Wilkerson said...

I'm so sorry that you are not able to have a baby yet. i hope your prayers will be answered soon. I can totally see you with a baby and you would always have a huge smile on your face! i just know it!!! just keep praying! your prayers will be answered!

Kristin said...

No one can know the fear that comes with adoption but those who have gone through it. And the heartbreak of losing an adoption is unique. We lost a little boy just a few weeks before we found out about Baylie. Once we got Baylie we knew why it didn't work out, but that doesn't make the pain any lighter at the time you're feeling it. One day you'll look back at these experiences and they won't hurt nearly as badly.

Eric and Caralee said...

Chubby, thanks for sharing that, it makes me admire you that much more. I love you so much and I know you will be a wonderful Mom when (not if) you are blessed with children!